Pain
by cronaSE
Summary: Maka's opinion on pain.
1. Pain, the beginning

If only he knew just how much damage he has caused.

Sometimes, it hurts.

Hurts really bad, like… like someone reached in and ripped out my heart, then stepped on it.

The pain sometimes seems bearable… but sometimes I have to blink and hide my tears.

The pain every time I have to see him with her.

The pain every time I have to fake a smile.

The pain every time I see him hold her, touch her, kiss her…

But I hold in the pain. I refuse to let the tears fall, because I am Maka. Maka does not cry, does not show weakness… But how did she manage to fall in love with him? Maka, the tough girl with her drunk father who was almost never home, fall in love? It seems impossible. But it isn't.

I started to fall for him since the day we met. I thought he was kind of cute, but I refused to let him through my iron defence. I only had allowed one other person inside, who is my best friend today. But, when he befriended my best friend, I let my defenses down, just the tiniest bit. That was how he clawed himself inside.

He was like a parasite there. He stole away my defenses, and I paid for it later, when he broke my heart.

He never knew he broke it, and never will.

I do not intend on telling him. I do not intend on telling anyone. I refuse to show weakness. I refuse to let them know I was hurt inside. Broken. I refuse to let anyone care for me. For my pains.

Because deep down, I know I don't deserve it.

But, it seems like a longing… no, _need_…for my broken heart to find refuge. I wanted somewhere safe where no one could break me… like he did.

When I wanted to get him off my mind, I wanted to take Soul to the dance. When I was rejected, I went to get a smoothie. It never bothered me that Soul already had a girlfriend. In fact, I didn't like him at all. I just wanted a distraction from _him_. But when I walked into the Death Smoothie, what more could I have seen then him, dancing with her, holding her close.

Sometimes, I imagine _me_ being the one he was holding so close. _Me_ being the one he was unstoppably in love with. _Me_ being the one for _him_, and _him _being the one for _me_.

But yet, the pain still wanted to follow me.

Not even 2 months after, he pushed her out of the way from that truck, and one of my worst fears had been realized. She fell for him.

I pretended not to notice when that girl flirted with him and she pulled him into a long kiss. I pretended to have just walked in. Hiding my pain and tears, I faked a smile and gave some witty remark. He looked annoyed, but I took any attention that wasn't trained on her I could get.

In honesty, I am not mad at her. She is my best friend, and even he can't step between that. She will always have the small part of my heart that he doesn't hold absentmindedly and unaware in his hand.

I made another witty remark, and it confused him. He wanted to know what I was talking about. Finally, a bit of my anger and pain came out in a flurry of word. I told him that she only liked the thing he did, not him.

They broke up.

But here, a few months later, she still did love him.

They got back together.

Sometimes I long for my heart back. I wanted to shove a bottle of super glue at him and tell him to give it back in one piece. I wanted him to fix it.

But the only way for that to happen was for me to get over him.

But I couldn't possibly do that.

I love him with all my heart. Just letting him go… that would kill me emotionally. But holding onto the small piece of me that says that he might love me back will just kill me slower and more painfully. It would be better to just break it off and get over it, but I am afraid of what would happen.

Maka Albarn, afraid.

Afraid of what would happen after I began to ignore every thought of him that tried to claw itself into my mind. Afraid of the thought that he might just love me too. Afraid of the pain he already gave me, and afraid of the more to come.

I wanted a refuge so badly… for the pain just to end. To wake up from the nightmare I was engulfed in.

But I wouldn't stoop so low as to suicide. That is the coward's way out of pain. I may be a broken hearted, depressed girl, but I am **not **a coward. I will myself not to cry for the pain that you somehow manage to bring. I **need** a refuge!

But, as much as I'd like a refuge, my heart has no home. Though if longs for the beating to return to its broken shell, nothing comes. There is nothing to fix it.

Sometimes he actualy has the nerve to ask me what's wrong, can't he see he's just making it worse. Then he leaves and I start crying and I run to my room and I pretend to sleep so if he comes in he won't suspect a thing


	2. Truth or Lies

She stood out there…in the pouring rain. She stared at her wrists…hoping she could only summon enough courage to pull out the knife that laid in her pocket like a red-hot coal and run it across her slim, white wrists.

She could feel the burn on her back from the belt welts that adorned upon it, she could still hear the insults pounding into her ears, 'slut', and 'whore'.

He stood across the street, watching her intensely. From a distance…always from a distance. He wanted to hold her and block her from harm. But he knew that the more he tried the less he would get though to her. So he waited.

She lifted her head. She knew he was there. She knew that whenever she heard those insults that he would be there in the corner whispering that she was beautiful, strong, and funny. He was saving her from herself. But for how long?

She knew that he loved her. She knew that everything he spoke was true. She knew that everything she heard at home was wrong. Only he could break the barriers she held around her. That the sythe mister was really the most tender, most frightened, most fragile person in the entire school. Perhaps the entire Nevada School District. She had to believe in him.

Or she would surely lose the battle.

She turned from the street away from the boy across the street and climbed a tree onto the roof of her house. She stood at the edge after clambering up to the third story. She lifted her hands into the air letting the wind whip her damp hair around her translucent face. She could feel the power of the storm filling her, she was in the air…flying…flying far away. Reaching for her freedom. She opened her forest green eyes, lightning flashed in the sky lighting up her silhouette.

She felt powerful up in the clouds, she had never experienced power. Not true power…this was exhilarating. She wished she could just lift her hands higher, go father up into the stormy sky and just fly away…

Who was she? She had no religion, almost no family that hasn't been killed or died of 'natural' causes. She never remember going to Church, or doing any form of worship. So who was to say that if she fell off this building…or slit her wrists that she would go to hell?

Tsubaki thought that if you committed suicide, were homosexual or didn't believe in God you went to hell. So she fit the criteria of two of those three.

'Well Tsubaki…looks like that since I'm going to hell you'd be right' she smiled lightly…

"MAKA ALBARN I LOVE YOU! If you _dare_ jump off that roof I will never forgive you!" screamed Death the Kid over the gale.

"I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE!" Screamed Maka, tears mixing with the blood on her face from the beating that her father's girlfriend gave, her face had turned a light reddish pink glowing in the night.

"MAKA!"

But it was too late…she had pitched herself off the roof.

The truth hadn't saved her. The lies were still there. He hadn't saved her life…he had failed. He sat at her grave holding a bouquet of her favourite flower…not daisies…not roses…violets, a bouquet of a bunch of perfect violets.

"I loved you…Maka…but now its over. I hope you're happy…"

R.I.P

MAKA ALBARN

Wonderful daughter, friend, mister and lover.

'All things end in Death, yours came to soon…'


End file.
